I Just Wanted to Let You Know

Leila Mekhdiyeva, thoughts

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When I just moved to Prague and had to taste all pros and cons of living abroad alone, dealing with adults’ lives’ difficulties, my Dad told me once the phrase that I keep reminding myself whenever I feel like giving up. “Life will always be difficult. It is just the way things are. What you can do is accept it and keep going, because it will never get easier. You will always have to face difficulties and to deal with changes. So all you have to do is keep going no matter what, just so you’ll keep up with your life. But if you wanna go further, you have to go faster, as fast as you can.”

I look back at past two and a half years of my life and I keep asking myself if I’m on the right way, if what I am doing is what I was meant to do, if who I am becoming is who I was meant to be. And I still have no idea. I always imagined that when I will grow up (and as I’m 22 now I guess I already did grow up), I will have my life figured out, I will have something to be proud of, I will achieve my childhood dreams, etc. Right now, as hard as it is for me to claim this, I am nowhere near. I am a mess, but at least I have enough guts to admit that; I am confused and I still have no clue what is my purpose on Earth.

And that is why I write. I write all of these words right here, right now, just because that’s what I know how to do, and that’s what I have been doing, frankly, ever since I learned how to write, but more professionally for the last three years of my life. I look back at the time I have spent at uni getting my bachelor’s degree in journalism and communications, and all I can remember are my sleepless nights with coffee and my laptop, writing all of those essays, papers and short stories that I had to write for all of my classes. I still have one semester left, which by the way starts this Thursday, and after that I will only have my thesis in spring. And I have no idea what I am going to do after that, but I feel that I need to be more active here and to use my platform to use my voice.

They say there are no shortcuts to success, and now more than ever I get it. There is so much left unsaid, unheard, unseen from what people get to see when it comes to successful stories and people. There are so many sleepless nights, amounts of coffee, stress, pain and loneliness that no one gets to acknowledge, but that is what is making your success so bittersweet and great.

As I already mentioned, I am writing because that’s all I know how to do. Don’t know whether it is a talent, or just the skill that you learn, but when I am writing it does not feel like I am writing, it feels natural and calming. What I am now trying to learn is how to do it more publicly. I guess, it makes sense since it is my job (duh). That is the reason why I decided to change this website’s concept – from personal style blog, that I started when I was 16, into a website where I will publish my articles, short stories, thoughts, anything that involves an act of writing itself.

I don’t want to pretend someone I no longer am, and that is why I decided to grow. To admit that that I am not who I was anymore (even if sometimes I wish I was the same, because all these changes feel weird right now), and to move on.

I just decided to finally go faster in order to go further.

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